There is no easy answer to the question. We know from the literature on family systems that illness in one member of the family affects others in the family whether those members are adults or children. In fact, often it is more difficult for adults to recognize that we need help since we are supposed to be strong and capable of handling almost anything, particularly when we are not the patient. In one of the support groups that I facilitate the wife of a survivor shared that when she finds out that a person has been newly diagnosed with cancer, she makes a beeline to the spouse/partner and asks “How are you!” She sees her mission as supporting other spouses/partners.

So what can we do to help ourselves? For starters we can take care of ourselves by eating balanced meals, getting enough sleep at night, exercising, doing something each day that makes us feel good. In other words, be a kind, caring parent to yourself. Next we can build our own support system by asking family members and friends for help. Use whatever coping skills have helped you deal with other stressful situations. And learn new ways of coping with stress by finding a counselor who can listen, validate your emotions, and work with you. Attending events like the Stowe Weekend of Hope can go a long way toward letting you know that you are not alone as you provide support to your loved one. An event like this can also give both of you a break from the routine at home. Simply acknowledging that cancer is like the “elephant in the room” can be the first step toward experiencing some relief. We all know that “cancer” can fill the room but no one wants to talk about it. Acknowledge it, name it, give voice to the emotions you are struggling to keep in control.

Rose B. Colletti, PhD
Staff Psychologist
Cancer Patient Support Program
Fletcher Allen Health Care